Close Calls
by JoyScott13
Summary: Losing people is an inescapable part of a Shadowhunter's life, but facing the reality of someone you love dying is something no one can ever be prepared for. The first time Alec nearly loses Jace/The first time Jace nearly loses Alec.
1. Alec

**Alec**

 _Jace could be dying._ The thought was pounding through Alec's head as another wave of pain attacked him through their parabatai bond. _Jace could be dying and it was all Alec's fault._

It was only the third time they'd been allowed out on a mission alone, as they were finally deemed old enough and trustworthy enough to escape supervision. The first mission had gone smoothly, and Jace had complained the whole way home that Maryse had assigned them a job better suited to a Shadowhunter in their first year of field training; a job that was far below _their_ skill level. The second had been better, more challenging, but they'd pulled it off successfully and Jace had been so enthused with excitement and adrenaline that he'd seemed to come alive, talking excitedly about the fight and how it had gone; more than once on the way home Jace had asked Alec if there was some demon ichor on his face or something. As if _that_ was why Alec was trying not to stare, and failing miserably. Isabelle was desperate to be allowed out with them, insisting that with her there they'd make an even better team. Jace had stood up for her to Maryse, and Alec had tried to say that they had a point, but the law was the law and Izzy was just too young. Isabelle had tried to act like she was okay with the decision, like she wasn't jealous of them. But when they left that morning she was conspicuously absent.

This mission started out routine, simple even, with Jace confidently telling Alec that they'd be home by lunchtime and, whilst Alec usually was more reserved, he'd agreed. Hunting down one minor level demon was a piece of cake. But the demon wasn't alone, and it wasn't as minor as they'd been told. They were outnumbered at least 4 to 1.

"This should be fun!" Jace grinned, his eyes lighting up. Alec resisted responding with something about Jace's warped idea of fun; he'd save that one till later. He raised his bow, slowly selecting his first arrow, his seraph blade at his hip, ready for when it would inevitably be needed.

The fighting was more intense than anything Alec had experienced thus far, but his training kicked in and he was able to keep his head clear of any panic or fear. He was a Shadowhunter, this was what he was born to do. His bow was discarded after firing only a handful of shots, and he quickly lost sight of his parabatai. He could still feel Jace through the bond, could sense him nearby. His presence made Alec feel stronger, their bond combining their energies. It was electrifying. Alec felt unstoppable.

Suddenly Alec found himself without an opponent, and he turned around in time to watch as Jace dispatched the last of the demons. Alec felt a sense of triumph and relief that they'd won, and that they were both okay, deactivating his seraph blade. Jace started to walk over to him, grinning. Neither of them saw it until it was too late.

The first sign Alec had that something was wrong was the grin falling from Jace's face.

"Alec!" He cried, running towards him with his eyes fixed on something behind Alec. With a feeling of sudden dread Alec spun around, to see another demon lunging for him, its talons extended. Before he had a chance to react Jace slammed into him from behind, pushing him out of the way. Alec could do nothing but watch as the demon's talons ripped straight through Jace's fighting gear, tearing huge gashes in his side. Alec felt Jace's pain rushing through their bond as his parabatai cried out, crashing to his knees, his hand going to his side as though he could stop the blood from pouring out. He couldn't. The demon was towering over him now, it's arm raised again. Alec could have sworn it was smiling. He knew what it was going to do next.

"NO!" Alec cried out as he leapt to his feet. He'd never felt such rage before, or panic. Jace was hurt, this demon had hurt Jace and Alec was not going to let it live a single moment longer than necessary. The demon's arm came down, a killing blow, but instead met Alec's seraph blade; the arm went flying. This time it was the demon that roared in pain, before Alec struck again and the demon disintegrated before his eyes. It hadn't suffered enough in Alec's opinion.

It was only then that Alec had time to think, to realise how serious Jace's wounds were.

"Good work," Jace panted, his voice strained with pain, his breaths wheezing, "Hodge would be proud." Alec looked in horror as a trickle of blood ran from Jace's mouth, and his parabatai collapsed fully to the ground. Alec was at his side in an instant, his thoughts jumbled from the pain he could feel through the parabatai bond. He couldn't imagine how much worse it must be for Jace.

 _Jace could be dying._ The thought was pounding through Alec's head as another wave of pain attacked him through their parabatai bond. _Jace could be dying and it was all Alec's fault._ Alec should have sensed the demon behind him, he should have moved, he should have killed it before it had had the chance to hurt Jace.

"It's okay," Alec tried to focus his thoughts, keeping his voice as calm as he could, "It's going to be okay." He carefully removed what was left of Jace's jacket and shirt, pulling it away from the wound. Jace hissed with pain, making Alec wince. He felt the colour drain from his face as he took in just how deep the wounds were. Blood was still pouring out, pooling under Jace.

"That bad, huh?" Jace managed to say, although it was painfully clear that each word was an effort, and Alec couldn't help but notice he was growing pale.

"Stop talking," Alec snapped, trying not to seem worried. He took his stele from his pocket, "It's nothing an iratze can't fix." Unable to stop his hands from shaking, Alec quickly applied the healing rune.

Nothing happened.

Jace gave another groan of pain, and Alec was shocked to see a few tears escape his parabatai's eyes. Jace never cried, not even when he was 11 and he'd broken his arm falling from one of the beams in the training gym when he wasn't supposed to be in there. Quickly, Alec applied the rune again.

Still nothing.

He tried again, and again. It was supposed to work. He'd been taught that it would work. A rune from a parabatai was supposed to be stronger than any other. But the blood kept flowing and Jace's breathing was growing more laboured.

"It's okay, Alec," Jace reached up to grip his arm, and although his grip was feeble his mismatched eyes held Alec's with a frenzied intensity, "I'm sorry." Jace gave another shuddering breath, before his eyes slipped closed and his hand fell back to his side.

"No, Jace!" Alec cried, reaching for his parabatai's hand, "Wake up!" He hated how pathetic he sounded, how helpless he felt. Desperately he applied the iratze again, screaming in frustration when he saw no change.

Jace was so pale, his blood was everywhere, his wounds still gaping and ugly, his breathing pained; each breath Alec feared would be his last. Any second now he'd feel his parabatai bond break. Would it feel any worse than the pain he felt now? He already felt like his heart had shattered. There was nothing else he could do, but sit here and wait. Wait for the iratze to prove that it was working. Wait for Jace's breathing to falter and his heart to stop.

 _There are some wounds too deep for an iratze_ , Alec heard Hodge's voice in his head from a lesson he'd given them years ago, before Jace had even joined their family, _Even Shadowhunters aren't invincible._

It couldn't be true. Jace couldn't die like this. He was still so young, he still had so much left to do. There was still so much Alec hadn't told him. They were parabatai, brothers, they were supposed to fight at each other's sides for the rest of their lives. The rest of their lives weren't supposed to be _this_ short.

The day he'd agreed to be Jace's parabatai he'd told him it was because he needed someone to look after him. Alec had failed spectacularly; maybe Jace would have been better off without him. Izzy and Max… Their parents… How could Alec go home? How could he ever look at them again? He hoped the Clave stripped him of his marks.

"Jace, please," Alec begged, feeling tears of his own finally start to fall, " _Wake up_!" He couldn't lose Jace, he couldn't bear it. Jace had been through so much already, he deserved better. It wasn't fair. Jace was quiet now, too quiet. Alec felt a sob escape him, and he let his head fall against Jace's chest. He wasn't sure how long he sat like that, waiting to feel the parabatai bond break. Waiting to lose the most important person in his life.

Then he felt it.

Jace's heartbeat was growing stronger. His hand in Alec's seemed a little less cold. Alec sat upright, a faint flicker of hope blooming in his chest. His own heart nearly stopped. The wound looked like it was starting to close up, and some colour was returning to Jace's face. Alec let out a shaky laugh. The iratze was working, it was finally working! He quickly activated it again; it couldn't hurt. Jace's wounds had been so serious that it had taken the rune longer to have a visible effect, but not too serious for it to work at all.

"You're going to be okay!" He exclaimed, relief stronger than anything he'd ever felt coursing through him, "Jace, you're going to be _okay_!" Alec repeated it over and over, feeling the words sync in. He felt like he was floating as he saw Jace take a huge breath, and his parabatai's eyes blinked open.

"Alec?" Jace's voice was still weak, but Alec was sure it sounded stronger than it had before, "It doesn't hurt so much anymore." Alec took a firm hold of his parabatai's hand, squeezing it tightly. Jace still sounded so weak, so tired. He needed to rest. Alec could see he was struggling to keep his eyes open; he wondered if Jace was scared that he wouldn't wake up if he let them close again.

"It's okay, Jace. You can sleep." Alec smiled, "You're going to be back to your annoying self in no time." He saw Jace frown a little and he knew if he hadn't just been at death's door Jace would have had something to say about that last comment, but then a look of peace came over his parabatai's face.

"Okay Alec." Jace's eyes slipped closed again. The iratze was working, but Alec knew he needed to get Jace home as quickly as possible. It was safe to move him, and he'd heal faster at the Institute. Alec quickly made sure his glamour rune was still working, and gently lifted Jace from the ground, being careful so as not to aggravate the still healing wounds.

It seemed like an age before Alec saw the familiar outline of the Institute approaching. Every now and then Jace had moaned in pain at a sudden movement, but Alec hadn't allowed himself to pause; he had to get Jace home. He was so tired, so exhausted to his very soul, but he'd promised to look after Jace and he wasn't going to let him down now.

Somehow Alec managed to get the doors to the Institute open, and had stumbled inside. The room had gone still, with everyone turning to stare. It suddenly occurred to Alec what they must look like, Jace unconscious in his arms, both covered in blood. He heard a scream and then Isabelle was there, her face frantic; it was clear she feared the worst. Maryse appeared behind her, her face white.

"He's okay," Alec managed to say, "He's healing." His knees finally gave out, and his mother and sister reached to stop him from falling. Hodge appeared next and carefully took Jace from Alec, saying something about getting him to the Infirmary. Maryse gave Alec a strange look, and Alec was surprised to see actual tears in her eyes. But when she said "I'll debrief you about what happened later" Alec detected a note of anger in her voice, before she swept after Hodge and Jace. Normally Alec would worry but… He'd done it. He'd brought Jace home. Jace was going to be okay.

"What happened Alec?" Isabelle asked, but Alec just shook his head at her. It was all too much for right now. She understood, and took his hand gently, leading him towards the Infirmary. Alec was thankful that Izzy was Izzy.

Maryse emerged from the Infirmary as they approached, a tight smile on her face as she told them that Jace was going to be absolutely fine; a day or two in bed was all that was needed now to ensure his smooth recovery.

Isabelle laughed, "Jace is going to _love_ that!" Alec, despite his exhaustion, grinned at her. Maryse, who normally would have at least smiled at that sort of comment, just fixed them with a stern glare. Isabelle caught Alec's eye and she squeezed his hand.

"Follow me. I want a full debrief on what happened." Maryse snapped, turning to walk towards her office when Isabelle caught her arm.

"Can't Alec at least get cleaned up first?" She asked quietly, and it was only then that Alec realised he was still covered in blood. In Jace's blood.

Maryse turned back to face her children, her face softening a little as she really looked at Alec for the first time, "Report to my office as soon as you can." Alec thought he heard a wobble in her voice, and was almost surprised when she reached out and squeezed his shoulder, "I'm glad you're alright." Then she finally walked away. Alec and Izzy exchanged another glance; their mother was usually a master at controlling her emotions, but maybe some of her coldness today had come from just how scared she'd been when her sons had arrived home in such a state.

Alec shook his head. He really wasn't looking forward to debriefing Maryse; he was sure she'd want more of an explanation than he had to give. Then his gaze wandered to the Infirmary door. He wanted to clean up, to wash the blood away and to finally feel clean but… he wanted to stay till Jace woke up again, to fully reassure himself that everything had turned out okay. But his mother was expecting him soon.

"I'll stay with Jace," Isabelle's voice was kind, "If he wakes up before you're back, I'll send someone to get you."

* * *

As Alec had washed the blood away, he found himself wondering just how often he'd be in this position. Just how often he, or Jace or Izzy - one day even Max – would be seriously injured. He knew it was part of their lives, that it always had been, but it had always felt somewhat removed. Yes, Shadowhunters were always at war, but when they were younger it hadn't seemed this _real_. He thought he'd been prepared to die for the cause, or for someone he loved to die for the cause but… now Alec realised that no matter how hard you trained, nothing could prepare you for that.

The debriefing had gone exactly as Alec had suspected it would. His mother had wanted to hear every detail, and hadn't seemed satisfied with his answers. She'd been furious, muttering something about them being _too young_ and _too reckless_ and she'd scolded him for not being careful enough. But Alec had seen just how close she was to losing control of herself, and he knew just how much his mother prized that control. He'd gone to her then, taking a firm grip of her arm and reminding her that both he and Jace were going to be okay, and that the mission had technically been a success. She'd pulled him close then, both of them drawing comfort from the gesture.

Finally, she'd dismissed him, saying that she needed to write to Robert, "It's better that he hears from me that his sons nearly died tonight and that they're okay." Alec had been startled by the emotion in her voice, "It's not easy thing knowing your children are in danger, even for a Shadowhunter." Alec hadn't known what to say to that, but when he looked up his mother had turned away from him, and he took that as his signal to leave.

Alec was exhausted, but he didn't want to sleep until Jace woke up; he knew that if he closed his eyes all he'd see would be Jace lying in a pool of his own blood, and all he'd hear would be those ragged breaths and groans of pain. Alec gave himself a mental shake. This was the life of a Shadowhunter, and he'd have to get used to it. Jace was okay, he was okay. Alec knew he'd do anything, give anything, to make sure his family stayed that way.

Before he knew it he was at the Infirmary, quietly making his way inside. Isabelle was exactly where she'd promised she'd be, sitting by Jace's bedside, her hand in his. Her gaze was fixed so intently on Jace that she didn't initially notice Alec's arrival.

"Izzy." Alec caught her attention, and she sprung to her feet, throwing her arms around him.

"How was it? Was she awful?" Isabelle asked, leaning back to look up at him, her eyes concerned.

"It was as expected," Alec shrugged, "She was just worried." Alec's eyes were drawn to Jace, who was lying far too still on the bed, even if he did look more peaceful now.

"I was worried too." Isabelle held him tighter and Alec rested his chin on the top of her head.

"It was bad Iz, I really thought-" Even now knowing that Jace was alright, Alec struggled to say it, "I thought he was gone."

They stayed like that for a moment, before Isabelle pulled away, frowning slightly, asking if Alec had been hurt at all. She didn't believe him when he said he was fine, and insisted he apply an iratze immediately. Knowing it wasn't worth fighting his sister on this, he quickly did as he was told and, if he was honest, he did feel better afterwards. They both sat down on either side of Jace's bed.

"I'm sorry." Isabelle said, surprising Alec, who gave her a questioning look. She was looking at the floor, refusing to make eye contact, but she glanced up quickly.

"I was so angry that I wasn't allowed to go with you, I mean I'm not _that_ much younger than Jace. But-" she paused, "I didn't say goodbye when you left this morning, and when you came back and I saw the blood and I saw Jace I-" Isabelle took a deep breath, "I thought maybe I'd never get the chance." Alec opened his mouth to reply, to say something about how Izzy shouldn't think like that but someone else spoke first.

"You can't get rid of me that easily."

Alec and Isabelle jumped at the sound of Jace's voice, before Isabelle threw her arms around him. She pulled back hastily when Jace cried out in pain. Alec sat up straight as panic rushed through him; Jace shouldn't still be in pain. Something must be wrong.

Then Jace grinned at them and the urge to punch Jace in the face rushed through Alec. Isabelle beat him to it by hitting Jace in the shoulder, although she didn't put much force behind it.

"You're an idiot." She told him crossly, but she couldn't help a small smile.

"Someone had to lighten the mood. It felt like someone died in here." Jace was still grinning, but Alec could see that it didn't reach his eyes. Alec knew Jace well enough to know that he clearly didn't want to talk about it now, and that they'd have the chance later. So Alec raised his eyebrows at him, settling back in the chair, but didn't push it. It felt good to hear Jace making jokes, even if they were really badly timed. A few hours before Alec had been certain he'd never hear another one of Jace's terrible jokes again.

"How are you feeling?" Isabelle asked after a moments silence, wanting to be completely certain that her brother was okay.

"Fine, little sore. I've had worse." Jace was back to his usual cocky tone.

"You really haven't." Alec said before he could stop himself, and Jace caught his eyes before quickly looking down. They were interrupted by Maryse's arrival.

"Jace, good to see you awake." She said with a warm smile, "Rest now, I'll debrief you later." With that she gave them a nod before turning and leaving, pausing to talk to someone just outside the Infirmary door.

"If you're both sure you're alright…" Isabelle started, pausing to see her brothers' expressions agreeing that they were indeed alright, "I've got a new argument to use against mom! She'll _have_ to let me out on missions with you now!" Isabelle's eyes were alight as she jumped out of her chair and ran after her mother. Alec and Jace shared an amused look as the sound of her voice carried back to them, "You see, if I'd been with them this would never have happened! I could have helped! They _need_ me to look out for them, you have to consider-", growing quieter the further away she got, clearly following Maryse as she walked away.

Alec and Jace were alone again.

"So," Jace started, "Today was interesting." Alec gave a short laugh.

"That's one word for it."

"I don't really- What happened? I remember the fight, and then that last demon and the pain and then, and then I woke up here." Jace sounded so serious, more serious that Alec had heard him in years.

"Well after I saw that the iratzes were working, I brought you home." Alec explained, trying to keep any emotion out of his voice, "We gave mom and Izzy a shock when we got back."

"You saved my life." Jace's tone wasn't one of surprise, but another emotion Alec couldn't quite place.

Alec shook his head, "You saved _my_ life first." He reminded him.

"I really thought I was going to die." Jace admitted. The image of Jace lying in a pool of blood flashed before Alec's eyes again, and he took Jace's hand firmly in his. Alec wasn't sure he wanted to let Jace know just how close it had been.

"Thank you." Jace's eyes were earnest as he maintained steady eye contact with Alec.

"Thank _you_." Alec responded with a small smile.

"It's what parabatai are for, right?" Jace grinned at him, and Alec settled back in his chair again.

"Not sure that's how the Clave would put it, but yeah." Alec couldn't help but grin back, "I'll always be there for you."

"And I'll always be there for you too." Jace agreed, before adding, "Especially when you're not paying enough attention to watch your own back."

Alec raised his eyebrows, "You won't be much good to me while you're on bed rest for the next two days." He smirked as Jace's face fell.

"But I'm fine!" He insisted, trying to sit upright, before collapsing back down with a small grimace of pain, "Fine, for tonight." Alec was sure Jace would be back to training first thing the next morning and made a mental note to make sure he was around, just in case it _was_ too soon. He wasn't going to be taking any chances.

"I'll keep you company." Alec eased back into his chair, "I know _I'm_ exhausted. You're heavier than you look."

"My hero!"

They talked for a little while longer, before Jace finally admitted that he _was_ tired and allowed himself to drift to sleep. Alec was glad, he knew he'd finish healing while he slept. As Alec waited for sleep to finally claim him he focused on the steady rise and fall of Jace's chest. The events of the day had utterly drained him, but right now, watching Jace sleep, safe and well and back at home, Alec felt overwhelmed by relief and utter happiness. Just a few hours before he'd thought everything was lost, but now he knew he had everything to fight for; he knew he'd fight harder than ever to protect the people he loved from this day forwards. His last thought before he fell asleep was of Jace, his brother, his parabatai, his best friend, the most important person in his life; he was alive, Alec had saved him, and all was well in the world.

* * *

Hi! At the end of this first chapter I'd just like to say that fight scenes aren't my strong point - I'm more interested in the resulting emotions and how they affect the characters!

Jace and Alec are very important to me! Their relationship is one of my favourite parts about the show/books (this fic works in both worlds) and it's a lot of fun to explore!


	2. Jace

**Jace**

 _To love is to destroy, and to be loved is to be the one destroyed._

It was a patrol just like any other. By now Alec, Jace and Isabelle had gone on so many patrols that they had become completely routine, and everyone at the Institute agreed that they were the perfect team despite their youth. They were just about to return to the Institute, with Alec trying to convince Isabelle that he really _was_ excited by Isabelle's offer to cook them all dinner when they got home, when Jace noticed it. It was as if there were eyes in the shadows, watching them. There had been a few reports to the Mundane police of attacks by strange creatures in dark alleys in this area, although the Mundanes had attributed it to hallucinations brought on by alcohol, drugs and fear; they really were determined to ignore the truth even when it was right in front of them. Jace silently motioned to Alec and Isabelle to be on alert, and the three Shadowhunters instinctively fell into their usual fighting formation; Jace and Izzy slightly forward, with Alec watching their backs, his bow now at the ready.

The two demons, when they emerged, were much larger than the average demon, and were somehow even more terrifying in appearance than the horrifying descriptions provided by the mundanes. Jace laughed, rolling his shoulders back as he raised his seraph blade.

"Three to two," Isabelle grinned as her whip coiled down from her arm, "Should be easy."

"I was hoping for more of a challenge!" Jace agreed, turning back to face Alec, who just rolled his eyes at his siblings' overconfidence; he was used to it by now. They knew exactly what to do in this situation. Alec raised his bow, firing at the closer of the two demons, before quickly readying another arrow and firing at the second, with Jace and Isabelle ready to strike the demons when they were weakened by Alec's precise shots. However, the demons did not seem phased by the arrows, and Jace barely registered Alec's cry of warning before he felt his feet get kicked out from under him and he fell hard to the floor. A quick glance showed him that Isabelle had been as unsuccessful as he had.

"Okay, maybe they'll be a slight challenge!" Jace groaned as he got back to his feet, gripping his seraph blade tightly. As Alec surged forwards to strike at the demon and Isabelle brought her whip crashing down, Jace charged into the fight. Fighting by Alec's side always felt so _right_ and he felt his parabatai's strength coursing through their bond, invigorating him. These two demons were unusually strong for lesser demons, and seemed to have some modicum of intelligence, which made the fight that bit more intense, although it seemed that the demons were starting to grow tired. Jace turned to face Isabelle to tell her that they might be home in time for her to force them to try some of her terrible cooking after all.

Suddenly Alec cried out, his left hand holding tightly to his right wrist. The demon had stung him, and Jace felt panic flare through him as he felt the first flickers of pain through the parabatai bond. Alec collapsed to the ground, but Jace couldn't go to him, not yet. He and Isabelle shared a silent look of worry and determination, and set about finishing off the demons with renewed vigour; they needed to be able to help their brother. Jace tried not to think about Alec, he tried to focus on the fight that he needed to win so he could save Alec, but his head started to feel fuzzy as the pain grew. Alec was shaking.

For the first time Jace thought this might be it, that they wouldn't be able to win this fight. That he'd failed. Then he noticed Alec move, his shaking left hand somehow holding onto his seraph blade. From his position on the floor, behind Jace, he was hidden from the demon, and he made use of that; Jace wasn't sure how his parabatai was still thinking coherently given the pain he knew Alec was currently in. Jace made sure to keep the demon's attention on him, feeling a sense of justice as the demon gave a roar of pain as Alec's blow struck into its leg, causing it to stumble. Seizing upon its moment of weakness, Jace struck home with the killing blow. His first thought was to go to Alec, but he stopped when he saw his parabatai shake his head.

"Isabelle." Jace barely made out what Alec was trying to say, but he nodded his understanding and turned to their sister and the demon she was still fighting. Jace quickly joined her, and they fell into a pattern born from years of training. Jace made sure to distract the demon as Isabelle readied her whip, and manoeuvred so that she was perfectly placed to hook it securely around the demon's neck. As it struggled to try to free itself Jace finished it off. It was almost annoying how easy it had been in the end, when it was too late.

Jace and Isabelle didn't hesitate for a second before rushing to Alec. He was still shaking, barely conscious. As the adrenaline of the fight faded away Jace was hit with the full force of pain through the bond, although he knew it was far worse for Alec. His head felt so fuzzy and it was an effort to concentrate on what was happening, but he knew Alec needed him to focus. He saw Alec's stele lying just out of his reach, and realised he'd tried to give himself an iratze, but hadn't been able to. Isabelle was ahead of him, lifting Alec's shirt so that she could apply an iratze herself.

Jace held his breath as he waited for the rune to take effect, but it was taking too long. He couldn't see any obvious sign of improvement; Jace couldn't stand waiting passively for a moment longer. He pulled out his stele and activated Alec's iratze as quickly and as carefully as he could. He was surprised to find that his hands were shaking. Isabelle moved as if to take over again, but Jace stopped her.

"We're parabatai, it'll be stronger if I do it." Isabelle gave a barely perceptible nod, her eyes still fixed on Alec. Jace activated the iratze again, and again. After the fifth time Jace finally felt the pain that was flooding through the bond lessen slightly, and he quickly looked to Alec. He wasn't shaking as much and seemed to have gone a slightly better colour. He was still conscious, just about. Encouraged, Jace went to activate the healing rune again, but paused at a noise from further down the alley. They couldn't afford to be caught now. Alec couldn't afford it. If it came to another fight like the last one, Jace wasn't sure he'd be able to protect Alec.

"We need to move." Isabelle echoed Jace's thoughts, her voice uncharacteristically wobbly. They knew they'd bought Alec some time with the healing rune, but they needed to get him back to the Institute as quickly as they could. Together they managed to get Alec to his feet and, leaning on his siblings, he was able to walk. It would take a lot longer than normal to get back to the Institute like this, but they didn't have much of a choice. The fight, coming at the end of a long patrol, had taken its toll on all of them. Jace could still feel Alec's pain and he was struggling to control his thoughts.

The long walk was silent aside from Alec's ragged breaths. Even Isabelle was quiet, which was completely unlike her. Normally she'd be trying to fill the silence and to reassure Alec that he was going to be okay. Jace knew he should be doing that too, but he couldn't think of anything to say. Not when it was all his fault. Not when it was his fault that Alec was injured at all. Not when it was his fault that Alec was suffering and could die if they didn't get him back to the Institute in time.

Jace knew that was why Isabelle was so quiet; it was why she'd barely looked at him since Alec had been hurt. He wondered if she'd ever look at him again. Isabelle clearly blamed him, and Jace agreed with her completely.

He was Alec's parabatai, and it was his job to look out for him. It was his primary purpose, his job, to be there for Alec. And he'd failed. Jace knew he'd been too overconfident; he'd lost count of the times Alec had cautioned him to be more careful. He'd ignored him and rushed in recklessly, as always. Alec had always warned him that he'd get himself killed one day and Jace had promised his parabatai that he'd be more cautious. But deep down he'd been okay with risking his own life. He'd just never stopped to think that Alec might be the one he got killed. Jace felt another rush of dizziness wash through the bond, jumbling his thoughts even more. He couldn't imagine what Alec was feeling, and he hated how powerless he was to help. He'd failed his parabatai, and proven his father had been right.

 _To love is to destroy, and to be loved is to be the one destroyed._

Jace felt another wave of dizziness wash over him at the thought of his father. He'd be so disappointed. He'd raised Jace to be the best; the best fighter, the best Shadowhunter. But the best Shadowhunter wouldn't let his parabatai down like Jace had let Alec down. Life with his father had been very different to life with the Lightwoods. A strict regime, brutal training sessions, high expectations; all designed to make Jace the best possible Shadowhunter he could be. That had been his father's greatest desire for him, but Jace had never been able to live up to it. His father had always lectured him for being too soft, for caring too much about things as stupid as a falcon. Jace had been taught that loving something too much destroyed it, but he hadn't been able to stop himself. He'd loved his father more than anything, desperate to make him smile and to see that illusive pride in his eyes. He'd treasured the moments his father would laugh with him.

Jace had been 10 when he'd learn the truth of his father's lessons. The day he died Michael Wayland had been preoccupied making sure Jace was safely out of sight, he hadn't had time to prepare to defend himself. From his hiding place Jace had had the perfect view of the men bursting into the house, of his father fighting for his life, of his father bleeding out on the floor, of the blood seeping its way onto his shoes. He'd been powerless to do anything. Jace had wanted to fight the men himself. He'd wanted to scream, to cry, to make it all stop. But his father had told him to hide and to stay quiet no matter what happened, and the years of training had ingrained his obedience to his father. So he sat there, not moving, unable to tear his eyes away from what was happening in front of him. The men had dragged his father's body away, and Jace had no idea what they'd done with it. He hadn't even been given the honour of a funeral.

Jace could remember thinking that he couldn't cry, that his father would be angry if he cried. He wasn't sure how long he had sat there staring at that pool of blood, before he stumbled out of the house to try to find help. But he could remember that indescribable feeling of fear, pain, loss and helplessness. He'd vowed never to feel like that again. But tonight, feeling Alec's pain, hearing his agonised breaths, unsure if they'd make it to the Institute in time, Jace felt it again. The Lightwoods had given him a home, a family. They loved him, and despite his father's teaching he'd been unable to stop himself from loving them too. Alec was such an important part of that, the most important person in Jace's life. Jace couldn't lose Alec. He couldn't stand it.

His father would be so ashamed; ashamed his son couldn't protect his own parabatai, ashamed his son was so weak as to fall apart at the thought of losing someone he loved. But Jace wasn't sure how he was supposed to not care that he could feeling Alec's life draining away with each second that passed.

Jace's head felt so light, almost as though he wasn't really there anymore.

Alec would have been better off without him. He would have been better off without having to worry about keeping track of Jace's reckless stupidity. He'd be better off if Jace didn't love him so much. Emotions cloud judgement and love ruins everything. Maybe everyone would be better off if there had been two murders in Wayland Manor that day.

Jace risked a glance at his siblings. Isabelle was staring ahead, her face a picture of determination. Alec barely seemed to be conscious. This was all Jace's fault.

Finally, the Institute appeared before them. Relief washed through Jace; Alec would get the help he needed. He'd be okay. Then Jace felt that icy feeling of dread grow stronger in his stomach. Everyone would hate him for what had happened tonight. He wondered if they'd ask him to leave, or if he would be the one to request a transfer to another Institute. The thought made him feel worse. And Maryse. The only mother Jace had ever known. The woman who, despite her usual cool demeanour, had welcomed Jace into her family and made him feel wanted and safe at a time when he never thought he'd feel either of those things again. She made him wonder what his real mother would have been like, even as she softened the ache of never knowing her. Jace wasn't sure how he was going to survive her anger, her disappointment, her rejection. Not alongside Isabelle's. Even Robert's, who Jace could never truly think of as his father. And little Max…

As the three siblings passed over the threshold of the Institute, the strange mixture of intense relief and overwhelming dread increased in Jace. He felt as though he was acting on autopilot, barely aware of what was going on. When someone tried to take Alec away from him, a sense of panic took over and he held on to his parabatai tighter, until his thoughts cleared enough for him to remember that this was when he wanted. It was what Alec needed. He made to follow Alec to the Infirmary, but was stopped by a firm hand on his shoulder.

Maryse. She had hold of Isabelle too. Faintly Jace heard Maryse say something about wanting to debrief them, followed by Isabelle's protests; the first time Jace had heard his sister speak in what felt like so long. Jace still felt so numb, he could feel Alec's pain and he knew that he was feeling only a fraction of what Alec was going through. He let himself be led to Maryse's office. Once there he was dimly aware that Maryse was asking them questions. He might even have answered some of them himself. His mind was with Alec, wondering how he was. His mind was with his father, drowning in his disappointment. His mind was with Max, watching as his little brother realised Jace was no one to be admired. His mind was with Alec, shaking on that alley floor.

The pain felt different, changed. Jace supposed that meant something was being done to help Alec.

Suddenly the atmosphere in the room shifted, and more Shadowhunters appeared. Maryse gave some urgent commands. A logical thought broke through Jace's clouded thoughts; Maryse was sending a larger group of Shadowhunters to investigate if there were any more demons like the ones they'd run into.

"You two can go to see your brother now." Maryse's voice rang through clearly for the first time that night. As Jace turned to leave, Maryse took hold of his arm again.

"Are you alright?" she asked, and Jace was sure his mind was playing tricks on him, because she actually seemed concerned. _About him_.

Drawing on years of practice Jace mustered up a convincing grin, "I'm fine. It's been a long night." Maryse seemed convinced, and she nodded at him before turning back to her desk. Jace quickly went after Isabelle, jogging a little to catch up with her. She reached the Infirmary shortly before he did, and disappeared inside without so much as a backwards glance towards Jace. He hesitated outside of the doors.

Now that the desperate urgency of the night had ended and Jace was alone, he wasn't sure what to do. He'd managed to get Alec back to the Institute, to the people who knew how to heal him. But now he had no set purpose. Jace felt more lost than ever. He wanted to follow Isabelle into the Infirmary, to stay by Alec's side but… Jace knew he didn't deserve that. No one would want him there, and he didn't want to cause anyone any more pain. But, selfish as he knew it was, he didn't want to leave Alec. He couldn't. He wanted Alec to know that he was there for him. That he was trying.

The exhaustion of the night caught up with him, and his legs gave out. Jace slid down the wall, sitting opposite the door, alert for any change from within. He was just so tired. He wanted to wake up and find that this awful night was all just a terrible dream.

The pain was finally letting up, and Jace's head was getting clearer, which he took to mean that Alec was getting better. It was like a weight off his mind. If Alec was okay, Jace knew he could live with whatever happened next. From this day forward he would not let anything get in the way of his focus. He would be the Shadowhunter his father had always wanted him to be. He would live up to his father's memory. He would become a Shadowhunter worthy of being Alec's parabatai. Maryse hadn't seemed angry at him… Maybe she'd give him another chance here? That thought helped Jace to focus his thoughts, to try to pull himself away from the darker thoughts he usually fought to keep at bay.

He wasn't sure how much time passed before the Infirmary doors burst open. Jace instinctively flinched, unsure of what was happening, his hand reaching for his seraph blade. It was Isabelle, and Jace braced himself for her finally unleashing her anger at him. But what she did next surprised him.

She fell to her knees, throwing her arms around him and holding him close.

"Alec's fine. He's going to be okay." Her voice was choked, "I was so scared." Jace sank into her embrace, feeling as though he could start to breathe again. Alec was going to be okay. And Isabelle…

Isabelle was here. She was talking to him and hugging him. She didn't seem angry at him, or like she hated him even a little. Jace could barely process it.

Isabelle pulled back, her eyes shining as she asked, "Are you okay? I didn't stop to ask, I'm sorry. I-" Jace couldn't stop himself from interrupting her.

" _I'm_ the one whose sorry! It was my fault." Isabelle silenced him with a look.

"There was nothing you could have done, and it certainly wasn't your fault." Then she grinned at him, "It might surprise you but the world doesn't actually revolve around you, Jace Wayland." Despite himself, Jace laughed; he was so happy that Alec was going to be okay and that Isabelle was Isabelle. That Isabelle had come away from Alec's side to talk to him. That she was worried about him. That she was teasing him, like always. Jace realised that Izzy had never been angry at him, she'd never blamed him; she'd been as consumed by her concern for Alec as he had been. Jace felt some of the darkness that had been consuming his mind fall away as Isabelle laughed with him.

"Alec's awake." Hodge's voice came from the doorway, "He's asking for you both." Isabelle gave Jace's shoulder a supportive squeeze, before jumping to her feet. Jace stood up more slowly; all he wanted to do was to see Alec, awake and healing and alive. But he wasn't sure that it was the right thing to do.

"You can go in first." He offered Isabelle, but she shook her head.

"He's asking for _both_ of us." She replied, gesturing for Jace to follow her. Alec was alone on a bed in the far corner, and as he walked closer Jace scanned him anxiously. His parabatai looked pale, tired, but far better than he had been. And it looked like his wrist was completely healed. He really was okay.

Jace's view of Alec was quickly blocked as Isabelle ran to embrace him. Jace moved so he was stood around the other side of the bed, running his hand through his hair as he waited. Isabelle didn't seem to blame him, but Alec was the one who had been hurt. Jace wasn't sure how he'd react; he reminded himself that the most important thing was that Alec was alright. Finally Isabelle drew back, and Jace kept his gaze on Alec's healed wrist.

"I'm so glad you're both okay." The sound of Alec's voice made Jace look up. Alec was looking at him, and he was smiling, but his eyes were worried. Jace quickly looked down again, wondering what he'd done to make Alec look so concerned. Or was he mistaking concern for something else? Anger? Disappointment?

"You're the one that let a demon sting him." Isabelle's tone was light. Out of the corner of his eye Jace thought he saw Alec mouth something to Isabelle, and as Jace looked up she gave Alec a small nod. Quickly Isabelle ordered everyone else to leave the room, as efficiently as only Isabelle could. The other Shadowhunters did as they were told, until it was just the three of them left.

"I think you two have a few things to talk about." Isabelle said with an encouraging smile, before giving Alec another hug and exiting the room, leaving them alone. Jace couldn't bring himself to look at Alec, not properly. For a long moment the Infirmary was silent. Jace wanted to say something, but he couldn't think of what he could possibly say. Alec of all people should be angry at him, hate him even. He was the one who had been hurt. Jace wasn't sure what he'd do if Alec blamed him. He wasn't sure what he'd do if he didn't.

"Jace." Alec broke the silence, "What's wrong?" He sounded worried, and after a moment he added, "I'm fine!" At that Jace couldn't stop himself from looking up.

"You almost weren't! You could have died and I-" Jace broke off, collapsing into the chair by Alec's bed, his head in his hands.

"It wasn't your fault Jace." Alec's tone was full of understanding, which just made Jace more confused.

"Of course it was. I messed up, you got hurt. I should have done something, I should have been better. I'm so sorry, I really am. You don't have to pretend, I know you're-"

"I'm what?" Alec interrupted, "Grateful that you and Izzy brought me home? Relieved that neither of you were hurt? Thankful that you saved my life? You did nothing wrong. You know, I could feel you next to me. I could feel your strength through our bond. It was the only thing keeping me going. They said I drew on your strength, that it helped me. _You_ helped me." That made Jace pause; maybe that explained why his head had felt quite so fuzzy. It felt good to think that he'd managed to help Alec in some way, even if it would never be enough.

"It was still my fault you got hurt. I wasn't focused enough." Jace needed Alec to know that he knew what he'd done wrong, that he was sorry, so that when he realised Jace was at fault he'd understand.

"Stop saying that." Alec snapped, before his expression softened again, "It's not true. We're Shadowhunters, we get injured. It's no one's fault. When you got hurt, I blamed myself. I felt responsible. But you're fine and there was nothing I could have done. I know what you're feeling, but it's not true." _You have no idea what I'm feeling_ , Jace thought.

"My father-" Jace started, trying to explain, "I couldn't help my father, he wasted time making sure I was safe and I couldn't do anything to help him. I couldn't live with myself if I failed you like that too. He'd be so ashamed and-" Jace knew he was rambling but the words just came pouring out before he could stop himself, "I lost my father, but I didn't want to lose your family too. But I know I don't deserve to be a part of it if I can't keep you safe. I need to do better, to be better, I wasn't enough to be there for my father, and now it's happening again."

"Jace." Alec said his name quietly when he paused for breath. Jace wasn't sure what had come over him. He was just so tired and so sorry and he wanted Alec to understand.

"Don't think like that," Alec's voice was almost pleading, "There was nothing you could have done tonight that you didn't do. And your father…" Alec took a deep breath, "You were 10 years old, you couldn't have done anything to help him. That wasn't your fault. And I know he'd be proud of you, of course he would. How could he not be?" Alec paused again as he pulled himself fully upright, leaning forward to take a hold of Jace's shoulders, "Our family was completed the day you arrived. _Our_ family. It wouldn't be the same without you. You belong with us. You're my brother, my parabatai, my-" Alec stopped abruptly, before finishing, "There's nothing for you to be sorry for, you haven't done anything wrong."

Jace wasn't sure what to say or what to think, but as Alec's words slowly started to sink in a new emotion began to take hold of him. Maybe he hadn't destroyed everything after all. Maybe he still had a family, a home. Maybe, just maybe, that was never going to change.

"Jace, you believe me, don't you?" Alec asked, his eyes searching. Jace nodded. He did. Jace was positive he'd never loved Alec more than he did in that moment, and before he knew what he was doing he'd pulled Alec in for a hug.

"I was so scared you weren't going to make it." He whispered, not sure if Alec could hear him.

"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." Jace held him tighter. It was like Alec knew exactly what he'd needed to hear, even before he'd known it himself.

"Thank you." Jace's voice was thick with emotion, "I love you, parabatai."

"I love you too." Alec replied without hesitation. They stayed like that for a while, each drawing comfort from the other's presence. Jace wasn't sure what his father would make of who he had become, but right now, with Alec at his side, Jace didn't mind so much.

"How long did they say you have to be in here?" Jace asked when they pulled apart. He was finally starting to feel more normal. Alec stifled a yawn.

"I heard something about staying overnight for observation." Alec's tone made it clear what he thought of that suggestion.

"But no one actually told you to stay here?" Jace asked, a faint spark returning to his eyes. Alec knew exactly what he meant, and threw off the covers with a smile. He got to his feet quickly, a little too quickly, and wobbled a little. Jace was at his side in an instant, placing Alec's arm around his shoulders.

"I've got you." Jace knew it was a small thing, but Alec hated the Infirmary. He hated sleeping anywhere other than his own bed, really. It was trivial, but if Jace could make sure Alec didn't have to spend the night here, he would. After everything he'd been through, Alec deserved that much. It would be a small victory against the world.

"I can walk on my own, I'm fine." Alec tried to shrug his parabatai off, even as the action made his head spin.

"Alec don't be stupid. Besides, if we get caught you can say I kidnapped you and you were too weak to resist. That way only one of us will have to listen to Maryse's lecture."

"Good point." Alec conceded; if he was honest he still needed Jace's help to walk.

By the time they reached Alec's room they were both utterly exhausted. Alec collapsed straight into bed, too tired to do anything else.

"You can stay in here tonight if you want." He told Jace, just about managing to keep his eyes open. He smiled as Jace nodded and slipped off his shoes before lying down next to him. Jace was relieved that Alec had somehow again known exactly what he needed, without him having to ask for it. Maybe it was what Alec needed too. When they were kids, there had been some nights Jace had found himself in Alec's room, wanting his brother's presence to help him sleep. They'd never discussed it, and Jace had been thankful for that. While he'd not needed the comfort for years, tonight he didn't want to leave Alec. Alone in the dark some of those unwanted thoughts might find their way back to the surface. And after nearly losing Alec he needed him close, where he could keep an eye on him. It was the only way he could reassure himself that Alec was okay.

Jace smiled to himself as he heard Alec start to snore, something he always vehemently denied doing.

Despite feeling utterly wiped out by the night's events, Jace knew sleep was a long way off. But with Alec by his side, alive and well, he didn't mind. As long as he had Alec, Jace knew he would never be alone and he would be able to face anything.

* * *

Hope you've enjoyed this fic!

(I'm fairly certain my emotions after seeing Jace in all of these season 2 promos played a part in shaping this chapter! I just need him to be okay and to be with Alec!)


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